ProPokerGuide's Long Poker Jokes
This guy is having a lovely poker game at home until his obnoxious 12-year-old son started disrupting things by going around, telling player's cards, making noise, and being a general nuisance. The father is about to discipline him when an uncle of the family says, "Let me handle this."
The uncle takes the boy in another room and much to everyone's surprise, they don't see him the rest of the night. The father says to the uncle, "I really appreciate what you did, what did you say to him?"
The uncle says, "I really didn't say anything, I just showed him how to masturbate."
A tinker and his dog enter a bar and discover there is a poker game going in the back room. The tinker's had a good week so he decides to join in. Most of the players are locals, but one guy, a big winner, is also a stranger in town. The tinker does OK - up a little, down a little, generally holding his own. His dog sits on a chair beside him and watches the game.
About an hour into the game, the tinker gets a good 7-stud starting hand. On fifth street he makes a club flush. Unfortunately the stranger appears to be working on a spade flush and his highest up card is bigger than the tinker's highest card. As 7th street is being dealt, the tinker pats his dog on the head and says, "Girl, I sure could use an ace of clubs. " The dog jumps down from the chair, runs around to the stranger and bites his ankle. As the stranger reaches down to grab the dog, a card falls out of his sleeve. The dog quickly picks it up in her mouth and brings it back to her master. The stranger, realizing he's been caught cheating, leaps up and runs out the door with several locals in pursuit.
The tinker takes the card from the dog's mouth and starts to swear, "You stupid, goddamn dog! Can't you get anything right?"
The barkeep chides him, "Mister, why are you swearing at your dog like that? She just saved you a lot of money by catching that cheat!" The tinker responds by throwing the card face up on the table, "I tell her the ace of clubs and what does she bring me but the goddamn ace of spades!"
In a 10-20 Hold'em game at the casino, a drunk was begining to get out of hand.
"Well that was one pu$$y $hit river card from you dealer!" he yelled after missing a flush.
The dealer told the drunk gravely; "Sir, there is a young lady at the table. If you don't control your language, you will have to leave."
On the next hand, the drunk doesn't improve his set on the flop and lose to a straight. "Jesus Christ! Why don't you just light my f--king wallet on fire pinhead!"
The dealer was absolutely at his limit; "Sir, I'm telling you for the last time; there is a young lady at the table! Control your language or you will be escorted out of here!"
On the following hand, every player in the game wades into the pot. There are raises and reraise on every card. In the end, the drunk sucks out an inside straight and wins the 10-20 pot of the month. The drunk looks out over his pile of chips at the dealer and asks, "Do you boys pool your tips togeather or do you keep them for yourselves?"
The dealer replies "All dealers here keep their own tips."
The drunk tosses two black chips at the dealer and says with a grin; "Well have a Goddamn dinner and drink on me, motherf--ker."
The dealer picks up the $50, turns to the young woman and says, "Miss, I'm afraid you'll have to leave the table."
Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand,
clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their
playing time standing up.
Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?"
They draw straws.
Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one.
They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any
worse than it is.
"Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet.
Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me."
Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife
answers, asks what he wants.
Rippington says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards."
She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!"
Rippington says, "I'll tell him."
A naked surprise
A woman who plays poker once a month with a group of friends was concerned that she always woke her husband when she came home around 11:30. One night she decided to try not to rouse him. She undressed in the living room and, purse over arm, tiptoed nude into the bedroom - only to find her husband sitting up in bed reading. "Dammit woman!" he exclaimed. "Did you lose everything?"
The Seven Stages of AK (submitted by Fish)
Psychologists often refer to the 7 stages of grief that accompany any significant loss in an individual's life. We certainly think AK qualifies, and know the stages all too well:
1) Denial: "There's no way I could've missed the flop. They were suited. I can call here, I probably still have the best hand. Shoot, I should raise to narrow the field"
2) Anger: "I raised preflop. The board is 239. What the fuck are they calling on? Oh, now they're re-raising me? Well, we'll fucking see about that. Fine, your 23o hit? Congrat-u-fucking-lations. Cap!"
3) Guilt: "Man, I missed the turn and they're still betting into me. I am such a terrible player. I should really let go of this hand. Let go if it, dumbass. Let go. See, this is why you never make money at poker because you can't lay a hand down you stupid fuck JUST FOLD."
4) Depression: "Call"
5) Forgiveness: "It's ok, you have to look that guy up every once in a while with A high. He might've been on AQ or AJ, and you would've had the best hand then. It's good for your table image anyhow. People won't mess with you now.
6) Acceptance: "Ok, next time I'll just limp and see a flop."
7) Recovery: "Hey, AKs, alright - RAISE!"